Flatulent Adventures

There is a set of tunnels about one half mile long that were bored through the yellow sandstone cliffs that tower above the town north of Greenriver, Wyoming. Each tunnel, one east bound, one westbound facilitate two lanes of vehicular traffic each on Interstate 80. When the wind blows just right in the winter, it sometimes blows snow into the tunnels, and the roadway becomes covered with black ice. Many spectacular traffic accidents have occuring in these tunnels, and it takes nerves of steel for a Patrolman to enter the tunnels to attend to the injured, and tow disabled vehicle out of the tunnels to clear the roadway for traffic.

It takes a coordinated effort by many police officers outside of the tunnels to stop drivers who will not slow down, or become confused by the lights, or are just totally oblivious to what is going on around them. It is imperative a vehicle be stopped from entering the tunnels before they become part of the wreck.

This particular situation that I am about to describe entailed a multi vehicle accident taking place in the west bound tunnels, and two Patrolmen were working feverishly inside of the tunnels trying to unblock the roadway and I was manning a roadblock placed at the entrance to the tunnels, charged with stopping any traffic that might slip through the two other roadblocks east of my location.

Suddenly I received a radio message telling that there was an old man in a sedan who had run the two roadblocks east me, and that I needed to stop him before he entered the tunnels. The vehicle was not traveling very fast when he reached my location, but he obviously was not going to stop. Seeing this I took my five cell Kellight aluminum flashlight and threw it through the windshield with much force, shattering the windshield of the vehicle but causing the driver to stop. An investigation was done and it was found that the driver was intoxicated, and so he was arrested, taken to jail and his vehicle was towed away. I was happy because I saved my shift mates who could have been injured or killed by the errant vehicle.

The very next day I was called into the Sergeant's office and was issued a letter of reprimand for breaking the window on the suspect's vehicle. The Sarge could not be budged from issuing the letter, and no matter what I said, he would not see my side of it. I thought I deserved a medal.

About two weeks later I was investigating a double fatality accident that occured a little south of Farson, Wyoming on a two lane road in the early morning before sun up. The Sergeant had to respond to any fatality accident and so he arrived and I asked him to try to control the heavy traffic on the roadway while I completed the coroner's report with the coroner.

While attempting to control the traffic he had a speeding car that would not slow down, even though the roadblock was well marked and the Sarge's car was light up like a christmas tree with all of his emergency lighting. When the vehicle refused to slow down, the Sarge took his issue Kellite five cell flashlight and threw it through the windshield of the errant vehicle, shattering the winshield, but causing the driver to stop.

When I became aware of what the Sarge had done, I walked up to him and said, "You're gonna pull my letter, right?" He ducked his head mumbling something like, "Yeah", but under his breath. True to his word he pulled the letter of reprimand, and then like I had been required to do he had to write a letter of explanation. I felt justificed.

This is not the end of this story, it is a well known fact that I love red hot pinto beans. I just can't live without them, but they hate me because when I eat them it is like a terrorist attack in my bowels and the whole world suffers. My family conspires against me and will not allow me to eat beans at home, because my home becomes a biohazard location for days and my wife has threatened to leave me on several occasions, especially after I pull the covers over her head in bed and let a particularly excellent one.

One day I met my friend Carl at Red Desert Cafe east of Rock Springs, especially because they served some of the greatest chile beans on the planet. I ate two large bowls of the musical fruit, with chopped onions and cheese on top and then I parted Carl's company to run traffic on Interstate 80.

Well it didn't take long until the beans began to work their magic, and soon not even rolling down the windows with the air conditioner on could cut the stench. It was our habit at that time on the Highway Patrol to bring errant traffic violators back to our vehicle to allow them to see the radar screen to verify their speed, and then write them a citation.

After several drivers entered my car and almost upchucked from the smell, I had mercy on the next traffic violator who would enter my car, and stopped at a convenience store and bought an aerosol can of Pine scented air freshener. I thought the scent worked well, but one burly truck driver I sat in my car asked me what the scent was he smelled, I told him pine scent. He opined, "Huh, you could have fooled me, it smells like somebody s**t a Christmas tree."

That night when I went home I forgot the can of Pine air freshener on the dashboard of my car, and entered the house and went to bed.

The next morning I left the house rather late, and when I entered my patrol vehicle the enterior windows of the car were covered in an oily film, and I discovered that the aerosol can of pine scented air freshener had exploded in the super heated interior of the car and blew a fist sized hole in the front windshield.

I knew the Sarge would never believe this if I called him and told him about it, and so I cleaned the windows of the oily pine scented residue, and drove into town. Even though he saw the evidence of what happened, he still did not want to believe me. He actually thought that I had accidently shot a hole in the window and made the story up as a cover.

After much arguing and showing him the evidence he finally accepted my story and counted it as non chargeable damage to Patrol property, but the story became legend.